


To Live and Let Go

by raisedufromperdition



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bucket List, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 20:00:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30144819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raisedufromperdition/pseuds/raisedufromperdition
Summary: Upon his diagnosis of a terminal illness, Dan vows to spend the rest of his short life with Phil by his side, completing his bucket list while learning what it really means to live and love.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	To Live and Let Go

Dan had never been a romantic – that was always Phil and his extravagant date planning. It was incredibly endearing, but Dan just wasn’t one of those people that cared about that kind of stuff. He loved it because Phil loved it. Funny how a terminal illness can change someone.

It was one year earlier, just after Dan’s twenty-third birthday. Recently he hadn’t been feeling well. His energy level was low, and the sweeping waves of nausea were becoming all too familiar. While low energy wasn’t exactly uncommon for him, this was different. Dan barely had the energy to get out of bed. At first, Phil assumed it was some kind of flu, so they spent day in bed watching old movies and eating soup. It was a few days later when Dan realized something wasn’t quite right. Along with the loss of energy, came the loss of appetite, and consistent headaches. Dan hid it well, though. After all, he didn’t want to worry Phil. So, he pretended everything was fine for the next few weeks and almost convinced himself he was starting to feel better. He thought that with time it would eventually go away. However, it was quite the contrary.

One morning Dan awoke at his worst with a sharp, hot pain in his head; it was by far the most excruciating thing he has ever experienced. Biting down on his pillow, he screamed. He screamed until his voice was hoarse, just trying to release some of the pressure in his head. His nails dug into the blankets, begging for the pain to end. Soon darkness took over his vision and he drifted into blissful unconsciousness, away from the pain.

The next time Dan woke up he was in a hospital, with an IV hooked to his right arm and an oxygen tube in his nose. The fluorescent lights were harsh, highlighting the deep bags under his eyes. The pain in his head had finally subdued. His vision became sharper as the fog from the drugs cleared. Dan looked around the room, noting the ‘get well soon’ balloons and cards that littered the room. To his left was a card with a scrawl so ineligible it could only be identified as PJ’s attempt at handwriting. But the thing that caught his attention was Phil, sitting in this stiff chair next to his bed, his head resting on his hands.

Dan shot up, suddenly alarmed as he remembered the events that led to him being here. He sat up, pulling at the IV, panic rising in his chest. His hate for hospitals was heightened and all he could focus on was getting out of here. But then Phil’s head shot up to the sounds of Dan rustling in bed. He scooted his chair closer to the bed, resting his hand on Dan’s.

Dan frowned as he observed his boyfriend’s face. His nose was runny, and his eyes were pink and swollen. He had been crying. It was enough to stop Dan’s frantic movements as his heart rate increased. Phil very rarely cries, and when he does it’s for good reason. Phil ignored Dan’s questioning look. With light touches, he brushed Dan’s matted hair out of his face. It was meant to be comforting, but if anything, it just worried him more. 

Cancer. Stage Four. Terminal.

Those four words ruined Dan and Phil’s life. Those four words unraveled years of plans the two had previously made, imagining they had all of the time in the world. Now he was told he would have two years if he was lucky. Dan’s doctors offered aggressive treatment to prolong the inevitable, but he denied it. He knew what that kind of treatment did to patients. They become violently ill, bed ridden, and spend most of their time imprisoned in hospitals. Dan wanted to spend the rest of his short life as himself, with Phil by his side.

It wasn’t something to easily become accustomed to. Phil was in denial in the beginning. He went about life as if nothing has changed, but at night he would hold onto Dan extra tight, with no intention of letting go. It went on like this for a few weeks, until Dan came home from visiting his family for the weekend to find Phil sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing. Dan dropped his duffel bag and wrapped his arms around Phil. He held him close, kissing the top of his head, burying his nose into his boyfriend’s dark hair, memorizing his scent. His hand rubbed small circles on Phil’s back, knowing it comforts him. He nearly let out a humorless laugh at the thought that he was the one dying, but also the one doing the comforting. It was then that he realized Phil is the one that has to live without him. If it was Phil dying, Dan knew he’d be completely broken too.

After they both released the emotions they had been repressing, they actually felt a little better having it all out in the open. Now that they accepted the inevitable, they could live each day to the fullest. Without further discussion, they quit their jobs at BBC to focus on living life in the now. Besides, that’s what emergency savings are for, right?

This brings Dan to where he is now. Sitting in the living room at three in the morning with hot chocolate, paper and a pen. He could feel his health slowly deteriorating and he knew he was running out of time. There were so many things he wanted to do with his life, but just not enough time. Dan’s rough estimate was about six months. At night he’d close his eyes and be met with the image of a clock. It would start with the seconds slowly ticking by and then morph into something sinister. The ticking would increase, with the hands moving faster than he could comprehend. Suddenly it was a calendar, with pages tearing away and flying off until there was nothing left but blackness and silence. He’d wake in a cold sweat, with the constant reminder of the inevitable looming over his head. Dan shook his head, shaking the dark thoughts. He took a sip of his sweet drink and focused back on the task at hand.

  1. _Have breakfast in bed_
  2. _Stargaze until the sun rises_
  3. _Kiss in the rain_
  4. _Rent a beach house for the weekend_
  5. _Go on a road trip with a kickass playlist_
  6. _Get married_
  7. _Go skinny dipping_
  8. _Die loved_



Dan hadn’t realized he was crying until a tear his list, smudging some of his handwriting. There was still so much he wanted to do, so much more he wanted to see but deep down he knew he didn’t have the time for it. Hell, he didn’t even know if he had time for his list. But he was going to try. He looked back at a few items on the list and managed a small smile, _so much for not being a romantic._

Dan looked up when he heard some shuffling and the opening of a door. His eyes met a sleepy Phil, with his glasses askew and hair ruffled. It was a sight he could never get sick of.

“Can’t sleep?” Phil asked quietly. Dan hummed in response, struggling to get his emotions under control. Making his list made him a little emotional and he knew crying in front of Phil would only make things harder.

“Me neither,” Phil sighed, joining Dan on the couch, and leaning into his side. “I can never sleep very long without you next to me.”

Dan smiled at that, and kissed Phil on the temple. Phil sighed contentedly before frowning when he saw the list in Dan’s hand. “Is that your bucket list?” 

“Yeah, I figured since we have _some_ time, we should make the most of it, you know? And there’s a lot of things I’ll never get the chance to do, so I thought I’d make a list of the ones most important to me.” 

Phil gingerly grabbed the list out of his hand and read through it, a sad smile on his face. “No Japan?”

“I don’t think there’s time for Japan,” Dan mumbled. He and Phil had dreamed of going to Japan since they first met. They talked of experiencing the culture, the cuisine, and so much more. The older boy just nodded in response, swallowing a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to think about the concept of time at the moment. 

“What do you want to do first?” Phil asked, his voice cracking.

“Right now, all I want to do is go to bed with you.” 

“Alright, then let’s go to bed,” He replied, grabbing Dan’s hand and leading him to the bedroom.

The next morning Dan awoke with another headache. He wasn’t surprised, it had been happening a lot more often lately. He sat up and reached for the pill bottles on the table next to the bed and took the numerous pills prescribed to him by his doctors to keep his symptoms under control. Forcing his legs out from under the warmth of the blankets, Dan got up to go see what Phil was doing. While Dan has always slept later than Phil, he usually stays in bed with him reading a book while waiting for Dan to wake. After all, Phil knows how much Dan hates waking up alone.

Just as Dan was crossing to the door, he was met with Phil carrying a tray full of chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, a heaping pile of bacon and his usual cup of coffee.

“Phil…” Dan started, realizing what he was doing.

“Dan! You ruined it. To have breakfast in bed, you actually have to be _in bed_.” He pouted, which caused Dan to laugh at his boyfriend. He quickly turned around and crawled back into their bed.

“We don’t have to do everything on the list right away, you spoon.” He retorted, pulling the warm blankets on his lap. His voice came across softer than the joking manner he intended. His gratefulness for Phil shone through his usual sarcastic façade. Phil chose to ignore the comment and set the tray on the middle of the bed, settling next to him. “But thank you,” Dan murmured, giving Phil a kiss on the lips.

Phil smiled, his blue eyes impossibly bright in the early afternoon light. Dan sighed, staring as he admired Phil’s beauty. His dark hair is tousled, sticking in all directions accompanied with the stubble that comes from not shaving for a few days. He’s dressed in one of his graphic t-shirts and a pair of boxers, with the smell of coffee lingering on his breath. Dan smiles at him, bacon momentarily forgotten, only consumed by thoughts of _Phil._ When things get bad, he wants to remember this specific moment and how happy the two of them are. _‘When things get bad…’_ Dan ended that train of thought and shook himself out of his daze, turning his attention to his delicious breakfast instead.

Days quickly changed into weeks, as Dan and Phil continued to spend every day together. Some days they’d stay in and watch anime together -- Dan insisted he couldn’t die without knowing how it ended -- and some days they’d venture into London, needing a change of scenery. It was the end of September and quickly becoming bitterly cold. They had gone into Manchester earlier, to recreate memories from that day they met in person for the first time.

Now they were back in their flat, cuddled on the couch with coffee and hot chocolate. Dan was exhausted from all of the traveling they had done and the walking. His fatigue was really settling in now. He had felt it earlier, beginning to weigh him down like a blanket but he ignored it, refusing to let the illness win today.His fatigue was really setting in now; earlier he had felt it, but he refused to let the illness win -- not today. But now that he was laying on the couch, with his head resting on Phil’s chest, he just didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. 

He was drifting into a blissful sleep when he felt Phil nudge him. Dan grumbled and chose to ignore whatever the reason Phil was trying to wake him. He relaxed again, feeling sleep win over his consciousness, but once again it was interrupted. “Jesus, _what is it_ Phil?”

“It’s raining,” He whispered, his mouth close to Dan’s ear.

“So?”

“So…it’s _raining,_ Dan.” The emphasis he put on it seemed to wake Dan as he shot up, staring at Phil with a smile on his face.

“It’s raining! We can cross number three off the list!”

It wasn’t than ran was uncommon in London, in fact it was quite the opposite. And while it was late September, there are probably quite a few rainy days left before it transitions into snow. However, Dan wants to finish his list and experience the items while he can thoroughly enjoy them.

All signs of fatigue washed away from Dan and he was leaping off the couch, bringing Phil with him. They both threw on rain jackets and some boots before bounding down the stairs. He felt like a kid again.

It was a cold rain, not the warm rain showers they had grown accustomed to throughout the summer. But Dan preferred this kind; it was refreshing and the goosebumps that formed from it reminded him that he is _alive._ Dan lifted his face towards the sky, feeling the raindrops wash over him. He opened his mouth to catch a few stray drops, laughing to himself because he used to do the same as a kid. When was the last time he enjoyed the rain? When was the last time that he wasn’t rushing to get out of it or complaining about the way it curled his hair? The answer was too long. He needed to focus on slowing down and enjoying life. And that’s what his list was all about.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand breaking his train of thought and dragged him through a large puddle in the street outside their apartment. Dan smiled at his boyfriend, with his dark hair that was dripping wet and his pink lips that were beginning to turn a light shade of blue from the cold. He truly was beautiful. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist and pulled him against his chest, grabbing his other hand.

“May I have this dance?” Phil questioned, his mouth close to Dan’s ear which caused him to shiver and left a wake of goosebumps of their own kind.

“Phil, you fucking sap,” Dan teased, but rested his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder nonetheless. They began to slowly pivot in the middle of the street, the cold rain falling against them, soaking through their jackets and into their boots but none of that mattered. Not when they had each other by their sides. Dan sighed contentedly. Maybe he should have added ‘dance in the rain’ to his list because this – _this_ was absolutely perfect.

It wasn’t long before the cold rain began to seep into what felt like their bones, and they stopped dancing. They both were lost in their own thoughts, but when they looked at each other, green eyes meeting blue, their thoughts were quickly consumed of the other. Dan’s eyes glanced down at Phil’s lips and Phil rested his hand on the back of Dan’s neck, pulling him close.

The rain was cold, but their lips were warm, sending sparks of electricity through the other. Dan’s hands were on each side of Phil’s face as their mouths meshed together perfectly and leisurely. No wonder kissing in the rain was always romanticized in the movie. It was incredible. They kissed slowly and with meaning, pouring emotions into the kiss that neither could put into words. All thoughts of a bucket list, terminal illness, and the cold were quickly erased from Dan’s mind. Instead, all thoughts were of Phil. Dan deepened the kiss, running his tongue along Phil’s bottom lip. He pressed his body against him, suddenly wanting – no, needing more of Phil.

A bright flash of lightning struck, causing the two of them to jump apart, laughing at the other’s momentarily frightened expression.

“Come on,” Phil said, grabbing Dan’s hand once again. “Let’s go take a hot shower and we can continue where we left off.” Dan grinned and allowed Phil to led him inside and upstairs to the warmth of the flat. Their way to the bathroom was interrupted by kisses and groping as they bumped their way down the hall. Their wet clothes trailed behind them, neither caring about the water trial or puddles left in their wake. They were too focused on each other. It started as a frenzy but quickly turned into something more languid. They kissed, putting emotions into the kiss that neither could put into words as they became lost in each other.

\--- 

Dan was woken up a few days later to light kisses from Phil. He started with peppering kisses on his chest and eventually made his way past Dan’s neck and up to his jaw. Using feather light touches, he kissed gently, which in Dan’s opinion was the best way to wake up.

“Good morning to you, too,” Dan mumbled, his voice low and husky from sleep. Phil looked up, smiling at his boyfriend.

“Are you ready for today?” He asked, his voice muffled against Dan.

Dan hesitated. “Yes,” he answered assuredly. “It’s going to be emotional, but it needs to be done. You know, so they can have some closure.”

Phil nodded against Dan’s chest. “They’ll be happy to spend some time with you, too.”

The two of them decided to go visit Dan’s family for the weekend. Dan knows he should be spending more time with his parents, but as bad as it sounds, he just wants to be with _Phil._ His family makes the aspect of dying even harder, for every time he sees or talks to them, they just break down crying. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t want to cry as well, but he pushes that away because he doesn’t want to stay so hung up on how short his life is going to be. And Phil helps him forget about the ticking time-bomb inside him. Because when he’s with Phil, his thoughts are consumed of Phil and how happy he is by his side.

It turned out that the trip to his family’s house was a good idea, regardless of how emotional it was. His parents needed some more time with their son, and Dan realized he needed that time with them as well. Dan explained his list to them and discussed their plans for the coming months. And the only time they seemed to get emotional was when he mentioned number six, _‘get married.’_ His mum’s eyes watered, and she snuck a knowing glance at Phil. Dan pretended not to notice.

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. His mum gripped onto Dan, sobs racking her body. She didn’t want to let go; she felt like if she let go, she was letting go forever. After all, when was the next time she’d see her son? Would she even get the chance? Dan’s father gently detached her from him, but his own eyes were watering as well. Dan swallowed his emotions once again and gave his father a hug. 

“This won’t be the last time I see you guys. I promise.” He assured. But he wasn’t so sure he could keep that promise. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! I wrote this whole story a few years back but just recently came back to it. I decided to rewrite it, including some pretty major plot points like some of the bucket list items. Please let me know what you think!! I plan to upload part two next week.


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